Gentle Recovery

Hope and Inspiration for Overcoming the Damaging Effects of Child Abuse and Rape

Overcoming Hatred

Posted by A Write to my Voice on May 1, 2009

“Hatred can be overcome only by love.” Mahatma Ghandi

For years I walked around with so much hate and anger in me. I hated what my parents did to me. I hated the way they shamed me, beat me, made me feel less than human. And I hated the system that claimed they could help me. They were like my parents,- shaming, punishing, bullying.

I was arrested for drug possession. My social worker convinced the judge to let me do the time on a locked pysch ward instead of prison. Being on that ward,- that place of misery pushed me further into myself and broke me even more. Their methods of forcing me to conform were brutal. The chemical and physical restrains took away any shred of dignity I may have had. My brain became dull from the medications, the fight in me subdued, but the hatred grew. Hatred for them, for me, and for everyone who had hurt me.

One time they strapped me to a bed by my arms and legs for some minor infraction. They kept me there for two days like a chained animal, allowing me up only to go to the washroom. At mealtimes, they wouldn’t untie my arms. A staff came in to feed me. Humiliated; I refused to eat. I hated them. I despised them. My anger grew. I wanted to hurt them, punish them in some way like they were doing to me.

Instead, I cut into my flesh, trying to rip myself apart, desperate to pull out the bad, the part of me everyone kept telling me was horrible and wrong. Scars formed on my body, but I didn’t care, because they were already in my heart and soul and mind.

Hatred and anger became a way of life. It drove me. It fueled the fight in me. I turned on myself with a vengeance. My arms were full of bruises and marks from biting myself and cutting my skin open. The blood oozing out was my salvation, the thing that released the building tension inside me. My blood, a proof of life, that I was still alive.

Blood? That’s what finally turned my life around. The blood. His blood. The blood He shed for me so I wouldn’t have to hurt myself anymore. Like me, He too was beaten, shamed, ridiculed. He never opened his mouth. He never fought back. That amazed me. How could He not? They laughed at Him, mocked Him, and He said nothing, nothing except, “Father, forgive them….”

Hearing that, my anger began to subside. Thoughts of revenge slowly became thoughts of forgiveness. It’s hard to forgive, to let go of the brutality of what some people did – but to not forgive is worse.

I want my life to reflect His love. He loved me when I couldn’t love myself. He loved me when I was wild, out of control and bent on self-destruction. I don’t fully get how He did that, but I am so grateful for the gentleness of His love that broke the chains that kept me stuck.

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10 Responses to “Overcoming Hatred”

  1. Kelly's Ideas said

    I am at a loss for words… Your journey is difficult to imagine and so glad that you found Christ…
    God bless you.

    Kelly

  2. Jane said

    Yes, thank God you found Christ, found His forgiveness and acceptance. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Debbie Thorkildsen said

    You have an awesome blog. So glad you are sharing the deep hurts of long ago. May God truly bless your journey and bring complete healing.

  4. LISSALYNN2006 said

    im not sure if u got the first comment or not but i know where your comming from and may god bless you…. i too was abused i too was an addict i too was a cutter, i too have been in a psychiatric hospital and even though i have scars on the outside i have healed on the inside through the help of GOD. i now lead a clena and sober and cut free life thanks to GOD….
    he is so awesome…feel free to stop by and read my blof myt testimony is the under older post as well. keep writing its the best therapy other than GOD…
    http://lissalynn2006.blogspot.com/

  5. Jane said

    Hi Sarah,
    You have been tagged, please go to
    http://daysofourlives-jane.blogspot.com/2009/05/tagged.html . Thanks. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Jane said

    OOps, have I given you the right link?
    http://daysofourlives-jane.blogspot.com/search/label/Tag

  7. Jane said

    Hi Sarah, the answer to your question left on my blog is this: just name 7 blogs in a post, this mean that you’re tagging them, these 7 blogs should be blogs that you like, and leave a comment in their blogs like I did to yours. Also, in your post, write about 7 things about yourself, so that others will get to know you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Terri Tiffany said

    It’s great to see that you are impacting others with your life story! May you touch many lives!

  9. Rev Deb said

    Sarah you are such a wonderful person/sister in the Lord. Keep sharing! There are so many out there that are still hurting too much to ask for help, the only way they might find it is through your letters of love…

    You have been through so much, but the Lord will not let it be in vain!!! I pray that the many hurting souls will find their way to your site and find comfort, hope and lasting salvation!!

    You are truly a bond servant of the Lord Jesus Christ!!!

    Many, many blessings to you
    Much affection in Christ’s love
    Rev Deb

    Ps Please send my love to your sister too:)
    God Bless you both

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