Gentle Recovery

Hope and Inspiration for Overcoming the Damaging Effects of Child Abuse and Rape

Willingness to Fly

Posted by A Write to my Voice on June 22, 2009

“How does one become a butterfly, she asked pensively.You must want to fly so much, you’re willing to give up being a caterpiller.” Trina Paulus (Hope for the Flowers)

I am grateful. Really grateful. As I write and remember, I am filled with gratitude. So often I have to shake myself and ask, ‘did it all really happen?’ The years of living on the street, shoving needles in my arm, not allowing myself to eat, throwing up if I did and cutting myself until I couldn’t stand the pain or until I bled.

Living with extreme shame, out of control rage and debilitating fear – and one day, just like that – God touched me and changed everything. He gave me purpose and hope. He helped me heal. He gave me freedom. Now I owe Him my life.

There is a story about ten lepers being healed. Only one came back to say thank-you. I don’t want to be like the nine who showed no gratitude. I need to tell what happened – what God did because had He not touched me in the ways He did……

How do I tell people what I lived? How do I say all those horrible things that happened? It’s easier to tell strangers but I struggle with telling people who are close to me – my friends and people at work – I don’t want them to think differently about me. I don’t want them to be disgusted.

It was bad. Really bad. How can I tell them? Sometimes I just want to blurt it out but I can’t. The words are stuck inside me. Many of my friends know I’m writing a book. They don’t know what I’m writing, but they know I’ m writing.

I get lost in writing. I think in some way it validates what happened really took place. And it’s a way for me to have my voice. I need to write. Writing has become like breathing for me. Seeing the words in print diminishes the shame and gives me strength.

My friend came for a hike in the woods with me the other day. As we walked the secluded trails, she asked if I ever get scared out there alone. I don’t. I feel safe in the woods. That’s where I hear God speak to me. That’s where my heart gains courage. In the woods, in the beauty of nature, I never feel alone. God whispers to me there. He reminds me I am never alone anymore. He tells me everything will be ok. He reminds me He has purposes and plans for my life. He tells me not to be afraid.

I don’t want to live like a caterpiller anymore. I want to fly. I want to tell. It will be my way of saying thank-you.


One Response to “Willingness to Fly”

  1. Rev Deb said

    I am so sorry that you had to experience that life… As a minister I have unfortunately (weep, weep) had to see to many hurting people such as yourself. It is a horrible thing! Any friend that would not be understanding and love you unconditionally, it not a friend.. I am so happy you found the Lord and found inner peace through His wonderful and powerful name. I may not know you personally, but I can sense that you are a beautiful spirited person. I would like to say, that I am very proud of you and your recovery:) God’s Grace is all sufficient!
    Email me any time, I would love to hear from you:)
    May you be abundantly blessed, may the Lord shower you with peace and love and may the rest of your journey be filled with happiness…

    Grace and Peace be yours in fullest measure
    Rev Deb

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